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What color are the robes?

I want everyone to know that this post will only be up for 7 days. And with very good reason. You will see why, once I post the rest of it. Today’s time by the way (EDT) is currently 5:43 p.m. Today’s date is September 18th.

So, okay. I have to be in Long Island tomorrow with my family for a memorial service in St. James, New York. The next day, I fly out of JFK. This leaves me with very little time to compose this post.

I hate to break it to any of my breathless readers but I won’t be able to share much until or unless I have a spare moment. These readers are all in my imagination, I’m guessing… unless you are counting web crawlers and other forms of bots. Please note that my husband does not usually read or review these posts on a regular basis, unless I specifically request his opinion.  ALEX, ARE YOU READING MY BLOG?  IF SO, GOOD FOR YOU.  CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU SOON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You may also possibly notice a really frightening number of typos, misspellings, odd usage choices, and grammatical errors. This is because I literally can no longer use a keyboard without pain. I typically resort to voice-to-text dictation through my Android smartphone, but it’s not very reliable at the moment. It’s more than three years old, and the flash memory storage is getting full. Need to find a better way to type asap. In the meantime, I’m doing the best I can.

I should have more time available when I’m in Portland. Only staying there through next Saturday morning. Wish I could stay longer.

Please stay tuned…

Not encountering technical difficulties.

Not yet, anyway. But I’ve got to pack. Not a trivial task when you put your most essential belongings into a four-door hatchback vehicle and drove it across the country. I know I won’t have as much space to pack for the plane ride back. Not even given that I’m planning to check luggage.

Sudafed, be my friend tonight.

I am so sorry to say this, but that is not a joke.

 

 

Featured post

Current Concerns About Contributor Safety

This blog post is public domain. It may be shared and adapted freely, without restriction.

What I am writing about today is something Tom Callaway once referred to in an AWS podcast as “The Pony Effect:” i.e. what would happen to a project if the people involved simply “rode off into the sunset, on a pony?” He described it as a vulnerability chiefly impacting projects with just one contributor/maintainer. However I would tend to argue that it can affect projects with fairly robust participation as well.

It is a significant concern for nearly all grassroots community projects, or for that matter any FOSS project doing its best to scale.

Here’s the issue.

Open source contributors and maintainers — particularly those of us who are female, trans, people of color, students, unemployed, disabled, or underemployed — are at risk of dropping out of projects.

 

How are we at risk? Three ways:

1.)  Political Repression. (This is the least likely of the three — unless you are not a U.S. citizen, or, like myself, have openly questioned the actions of ICE.) Please note that repression does not necessarily mean incarceration or detainment. It may simply involve a “gag order,” being placed under house arrest, or having your calls and email messages blocked or censored.

2.) Abduction / Human Trafficking. You may find this impossible to believe, but it is a significant threat for those of us whose gender is not male, as well as for people who hold significant amounts of coin. Back in 2018, Gavin Andresen, one of the individuals responsible for popularizing Bitcoin early on, confirmed to me by email that the risk was real and unavoidable. Since then, the world has certainly not gotten safer! I fear that trans people in their teens and early twenties may assume a level of safety that is in fact illusory. They have never been socialized to see themselves as targets. Violent hate crimes may also be on the rise.

3.) Bad Luck. I am talking about serious health issues and major life disruptions causing people to “drop off the grid.” Something as simple as the theft of a phone, job loss, a car that won’t start, or the end of a relationship can spiral into homelessness and poverty. This seems to happen quite frequently in Oregon, and elsewhere on the West Coast.

In a workplace setting, some manager or HR professional almost always has emergency contact information. Not so on volunteer open source projects — regardless of whether some or any maintainers are paid. To date, best practices and Codes of Conduct have largely centered on the behavior of participants themselves. We are naive to assume that the world outside our communities is benevolent and friendly. Of course, privacy is a huge concern but I don’t think most people realize how vulnerable the human aspects of our networks are.

I was hoping to bring up these concerns at an open source conference I attended this summer.

Unfortunately, I had a two-hour drive to return home on the final day, so I could not stay as long that afternoon as I had hoped.

Had there been a space available and had people willing to listen that Sunday, I would have shown the participants a silver ring that I was wearing. It has two stones: one is turquoise. The other is coral. A close friend gave it to me many years ago. She was a talented programmer (taught herself C in high school) but dropped out of college. I tried to get back in touch with her a few years ago, to no avail. She may have changed her name or gender. It could also have been suicide. I reached out to her mother (her dad had passed away) but did not receive any reply. This is a personal loss for me, but it’s also a loss to our talent pool.

Silver Coral and Turquoise Ring

FOSS communities are unique because they have both a social and a work dimension. If we don’t address this issue, we may lose too many people and not even realize it until much later.

Rose C.
August 22, 2026

Featured post

Slides from Talk

Here are the PDF slides from the talk I gave on Saturday, August 2 at the amazing and wonderful FOSSY Conference in Portland, Oregon.

Decentralized Project Management

It was definitely worth it for me to drive two hours and stay at a hotel, just to be there! Will update this post when streaming video is available.

Featured post

Running Out of Forks

Metal fork in front of an underutilized Mac laptop

No doubt you have heard the expression, “Running out of spoons.” It’s for days when your energy and innate natural life force are depleted, when you struggle to get through the motions of daily life. I remember days like that when I was living with chronic anemia and menorrhagia from fibroids. If I could manage to log six hours of work time, order Pho for a late lunch, and get the aforesaid spoon into the dishwasher, it was a good day!

I’d like to add a new term to the lexicon:

“Running out of forks.”

This is for times when you have tasks in front of you that are a bit more challenging. And yeah, there is a Git reference there as well. I would be so honored if anyone ever chose to fork my projects. It hasn’t happened yet. Ever try eating spaghetti with a spoon? Sometimes, you do need prongs.

The particular reason that I’m low on forks is RSI — also known as Repetitive Strain Injury. It’s a common injury for designers, and also afflicts programmers (or virtually anyone else who puts in long hours with a mouse and keyboard) from time to time. Pain is easy to ignore. Until the point when you just can’t ignore it. Imagine the sensation of a white-hot metal wire pressed into the palm of your hand. It only got that bad a few times, but that’s why I learned to eat and do simple tasks with my left hand as well as my right.

My employer in 2022 tried hard to accommodate my injury. In fact, it went away completely for several months! I was not prepared for the extent to which the hand and arm pain came back after surgery for the fibroids (a completely separate issue). My doctor at the time warned me that fully healing from the surgery would require at least a full year. I’ve not seen medical literature to support this, but it makes perfect sense that while my body was recovering from a major surgical procedure, I would be more susceptible to re-injury. Repairing tissue takes nutrients and energy.

I received a small cash settlement for the RSI injury (equivalent to about three months of pay), which helped. The majority of my time this year has gone into planning and research around a social venture to support adults living with chronic and serious illness. The way in which my life changed completely took me by surprise. We are a mostly invisible group, but there are a lot of us. If you live alone, you are even more vulnerable. Particularly in the post-COVID era.

Regardless, I’m not here to complain or feel sorry for myself. I know exactly why the injury got bad. I was working long hours and not taking breaks, trying to reach a milestone on an old Python project. Which I met.  Now it’s up to me to rest until the pain subsides, and keep fine-tuning my ergonomic setup and exercise routine until I am able to put in something close to a normal working day. I’ll be moving back to Oregon in May.  Until then, my expenses are pretty low.

Have the budget to walk into town about every other day and grab myself a slice of pizza, a cup of coffee, or a beer. Not more than that. Or I lose my runway.

I’m grateful to have this time. Just frustrated I don’t have more forks! So many interesting and challenging tasks await. Opportunities to learn… opportunities to build… dream jobs that I am missing out on applying for…

On the plus side, I can still take walks and read books to my heart’s content. I have my energy back, which is a welcome change from life with severe fibroids, two years ago.

Most tasks are fine in moderation. I just have to be extremely aware of when I’m getting to the “red zone” and force myself to stop. I’m learning to be more strategic about where I put my time and resources. I can still do management, customer support, and coaching work until the cows come home! Too bad those first two categories are shedding so many jobs. Keyboard is ok up to a point. Anything that involves a lot of repetitive mouse work (which can include IDE’s) is a a greater concern. If I never open up another Figma file in my life, I’d be ok with that. Design comes naturally and easily to me and I love the interdisciplinary nature of UX work. By contrast, AI very much requires the command line and it’s where the innovation is happening right now in our industry.

I think in the long run, it will work out. I just wish voice recognition software were a teensy bit better. What was missing (last time I checked) was something equivalent to a sudo or vi mode where it was possible to switch from dictation to navigating with the cursor to fix mistakes.  If all else fails, that may be an area where I could make some contributions.

Figured out some hypothetical voice dictation training exercises which would not bore me to tears. The last time I made a chess reference on this blog was almost seven years ago. I’m in a very different place today, but not necessarily a worse one. (Cannot overemphasize the importance of actually getting that busted uterus removed!) Maybe dictating chess moves would be a good place to start for teaching the computer some new conventions for voice recognition.

And other people would benefit too.

So yeah, the same basic principle espoused in that post continues to hold true. I’ll figure things out.

Top Five Signs You’re Quitting Smoking

  1. Your front teeth are no longer a mysterious shade between puce and ochre.
  2. People are not actively complaining about your breath.
  3. You are actually gaining weight (not at all a bad thing in my case).
  4. You have $10 or $20 of extra spending money in your checkbook, compared to one week ago.
  5. When you lit up this morning, you actually had trouble locating the sealed ash container in your car. But of course it was there, right where you had left it.

Congratulations. Right now it has been approximately 76 minutes since your last cigarette.

The time before, you lasted four days.

Trust me, quitting smoking is not easy. But it can be done.

About Christian Nationalism

I saw the symbol on a navy blue pickup truck, parked on the street where I live. I’m in the process of moving out. That’s why I was out and about on that particular Sunday morning. There’s a church nearby that I’ve never set foot in. I had a bad experience at a different church in this town.  Although, to be totally fair, I went to several others that seemed perfectly fine.

Red, White, and Blue Jesus Fish

I don’t mean to be sarcastic. Religion and faith are actually, unironically, very very important to me — especially right now. It’s not just the hostilities with Iran. It’s not just the murder of Renée Good. It is a few matters that are deeply personal. I’m not sure how much more I want to say. People are incredibly quick to judge. Even when politics don’t come into it.

Anyway, we were talking about religion. Specifically, the red, white, and blue Jesus fish on that truck — and what it represents.

This statement:

“America is a Christian Nation.”

To some, that is deeply offensive and frightening. To others, it’s just the gosh-darn honest truth.

It sort of depends on who picks up the phone when the pollster calls. That’s the problem with data science these days. There’s no 360° method of getting responses from all people. You can walk up to folks on the street or in malls. You can knock on doors. You can query people on the internet, or by having them fill out a mail-in card. You’ll get different results from any and all of these sources.

What do Americans — and by that, I primarily mean those of us currently residing in the United States, whether or not we were born here, whether or not our first language is English — really believe?

It’s hard to say. I remember seeing this statistic in Newsweek when I was young. Grade-school young. That 95% of Americans believed in God — or some other astoundingly high figure. Not necessarily Jesus, mind you, or the Christian Trinity. Just the idea of one God.

“In God We Trust.”

It’s comforting. It’s even on our currency.

I spent about an hour this morning having a lovely discussion at a house church about a certain scriptural verse:

“No man can serve two masters, or he will hate one and love the other.”

Matthew 6:24

Specifically, this was how Jesus chose to close the Sermon on the Mount. Specifically, Jesus was talking about money.

Another curiously American value.

Along with religious freedom.

Remember, the Establishment Clause — otherwise known as part of the First Amendment — was written to protect the Church from the State, and not the other way around.

Really, anytime you get guns, money, walls, locked doors, and human nature together in a room — this includes a congregation based on faith — you’re going to have trouble.

Church people bicker. Church people make dividing lines:

  • “Us” vs “Them”
  • “Real Christians” vs “Those in Need of Saving”
  • “The Needy” vs “Those Who Are Welcome to Attend the Church on Sundays”

And remember, church populations include a whole lot of old people. People who may not be totally “with it” mentally, but still write the checks, gossip, and have time on their hands.

The problem is that faith gives people license. They don’t need to explain their actions. They can just say, “because I say so.” Which wouldn’t be so bad, except usually that’s couched as “because God says so.”

News flash: your pastor may be a wonderful or saintly person, but…

Your pastor is not God.

I don’t care how learned or inspired they are. They can make mistakes. They can have blind spots. Huge blind spots.

Blind spots. They happen in real life.

They may not seem like very much, but if you’re backing out of a parking space and only using the rear-view camera, you can run over a child. I’ve seen children get out of parked vehicles suddenly — even in shopping malls. On a Saturday afternoon in March, at Lloyd Center in Portland, Oregon.

The above is what we call a metaphor. But it’s really just an illustration that a blind spot may not be where we think it is. It may not be what is right in front of you. It may not matter what speed you’re traveling, or what the conditions on the road ahead are.

A blind spot can result in a fatality. At any speed.

So — about “Christian nationalism”?

I don’t have much truck with it (sorry, pun intended).

The problem is that it is in direct contradiction to the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19), found at the closing of the Gospel of Matthew, and also Mark. Go and make disciples of all people in every nation. It is an extremely theologically central invocation.

The idea of a religion that is open to all, regardless of nation or tribe, is what defines Christianity — like Islam, but unlike Judaism or Buddhism — as an evangelical religion. That is to say, one that seeks converts. A lot of secular people the world over, and especially close to home, are not comfortable with this aspect of the faith I was raised in.

I’m not an expert. I have never, ever wanted to be a priest or a pastor. Not even a deacon, for heaven’s sake. That’s not my calling. And see especially the comments above about buildings, locks, walls, gates, and human nature. I just went looking for a home church in Oregon last summer because I was severely ill and knew I would need medical transport at a few times in the future. What I found instead was God looming large and unmistakeable. Maybe not enough proof for total certainty. But enough to keep me going through difficult times. No better coping mechanism.

If you were looking for some sort of post about AI, or about literature, or something fun and breezy and lightweight — I’m sorry. I got freaked out by a red, white, and blue Jesus fish on a truck this morning. But all the same, my religion tells me to pray for the person who drove that truck to my neighborhood, and then thankfully drove that truck away — because we have at least a few things in common.

It’s so easy to rush to conclusions. So hard to actually live out the principles of a religion that is grounded in love. Not a lot of other hard and fast rules to it.

Blah blah blah.

I should note that a lot of the culture and jurisprudence of the United States has in fact been shaped by different variants of Christian theology — remembering, of course, that if you go far enough back, the Europeans who ended up in this particular stretch of North America were mostly dissenters and people who were made to feel extraordinarily unwelcome in the countries from which they hailed.  (Problem being, of course, people were already living here. The oppressed quickly became the oppressors.)

I think that we are, as a culture, far more secular than we were 20 or 30 years ago, when I was coming up. I think that has a lot to do with the end of the Cold War. Maybe also with the explosion of knowledge fueled by the internet. But most of all, because this has been a good time for a lot of us — here at the apex of our century’s civilization.

Unparalleled prosperity.

People don’t typically look for faith when things are going well. This is paradoxical, because having a faith community of any sort — definitely, for the most part — helps things tend in that direction. As in, “go well.”

A social circle. Pastoral care.

What is frightening and sad is when people get excluded from that circle — and when gossip, prejudice, and snap judgments cause people to step back.

Again, another part of my religion tells me — and others — that we should not judge, lest we be judged.

Unless, of course, you are an actual judge.

Those have included women pretty much since the dawn of recorded history. Pretty cool, eh?

We could in theory have a Supreme Court someday composed of nine women and no men — chosen strictly on merit, of course! What would that look like? No more or less diverse than many governing boards of many gigantic financial entities, including corporations, trusts, and foundations.

But enough with the gender politics. Being female, I have to bring this stuff up occasionally. And incidentally, I am hoping and planning to attend law school.

I guess I want to say that where Christian nationalism becomes not only frightening but truly abominable is when it is simply a cover for white racism.

I know where those people live.

At least some of them.

It’s this majestic, mountainous state known as Idaho.

I’ll be moving there in August, to a quaint campus town called Moscow — so named because of all the wheat farming in the region.

Luck and prayers appreciated.

 

"Jesus Truck?"

Collision Course

Imagine two families living side-by-side on the ground floor of a multi-story apartment building. They do not live in Oregon, but in some quaint and more geographically settled area, where gas heat and gas stoves are the norm. It is a sunny Saturday… one of those days when the great outdoors calls out and demands to be explored, with gusto and enthusiasm.

Red SUV Driving Away from Multi-Story Townhome

Two couples set out just minutes apart, in two different SUVs. They speed away in opposite directions. One is heading to the mountains. The other is heading to the shore (with perhaps a stop at an outlet mall or a brewpub somewhere along the way). They want to get an early start. They have been working hard all week and are fearful of losing the day. But before much time has elapsed, one person in one car starts to wonder: did she leave the stove on?

Blue SUV on a Sunny Day

This has never happened before, and Ellen is usually very careful about these things. Even OCD. But she had never lived with a gas stove before. Its novelty speaks to her of danger. She remembers turning the gas stove on, to heat up water for instant oatmeal.

But she has no memory of turning the stove off. Why would she?

After much inner debate and turmoil, she brings up her concern. They pull over in the parking lot of a nearby convenience store, so that they can discuss the matter further. After several minutes of intense discussion, it becomes clear that her anxiety is going to ruin the trip unless they head back home.

She convinces her partner to turn around, “just to check.”

Meanwhile, three and a half miles away, the other couple is bickering about the very same possibility. The driver, Craig, is worried because his girlfriend insisted on making them both French toast that very morning before setting out. He is feeling gastric distress from the rich food and secretly wondering if he might be lactose intolerant or allergic to eggs. But he cannot admit that possibility out loud! Instead, he thinks of a convenient way to deflect blame.

He accuses her of leaving the stove on.

She angrily denies the accusation.

He leans across the driver’s seat to confront her. Now he is almost positive he remembers the smell of gas. He tells her so.

“All right, we can go back. But please make it quick!”

“You got it, babe.”

They pull a U-ey though the center of town and barrel homeward, at top speed.

You guessed what’s coming next…

Both vehicles turn abruptly into the narrow parking lot of the apartment building. Both drivers are distracted, and driving a little too fast. They are only a few feet away from their own front doors. They swerve in opposite directions, and in the process collide.

One SUV actually flips, and hurtles through the window of their neighbor’s gas-flooded kitchen.

The result is a fiery conflagration. The entire building goes up in flames. The people in the two vehicles perish. Because of the immense niceness of the day and the complete disappearance of Saturday morning cartoons, no children or pets are harmed.

Neighbors - Four Panel Comic Depicting Two SUV's and a Fiery Explosion

 

This is the best I can do.

It’s possible to draw lots of inferences from this story. Most notably, don’t speed and don’t necessarily leave the womenfolk to do all the cooking.

It’s also not an indictment of natural gas from a safety standpoint. Serious fires can be caused by something as simple as an electrical cord left too close to a burner. Deaths can be caused by generators1 used indoors or garages. As a foodie, there is no substitute! I miss my JennAir from Charlotte, North Carolina — as well as the ancient and nameless stove that served me well for eight idyllic years in rural Massachusetts.

But yes, there is a lesson to be learned here. I’ll get to it shortly.

In this hypothetical thought experiment, the gas main would not have been damaged if somebody had not left their stove on, releasing a significant amount of combustible gas vapor into the air.

But which stove? Which kitchen?

Here is where we encounter several possibilities.

In other words, Ellen (the oatmeal eater) simply forgot whether she left the gas on in her apartment. She had a memory lapse. She was coming back to check on the situation. Had she and her partner not collided with the other vehicle, the situation would have been contained and everything would have been fine.

Craig (the guy who ate the French toast) convinced himself that he had smelled gas. This might have been an example of confabulation (in other words, manufacturing a false memory). This urgent but totally rational fear led him and his hapless girlfriend to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But what if Craig’s memory was the true one? What if Ellen was imagining things?

Same outcome.

Change up the positions and the velocities of the two vehicles, or change which couple had rented which apartment, and it wouldn’t matter.

 Where am I going with all this?

We all know about fake news and fake memories.

We recognize that many people lie out of habit and even forget what the truth is. But that’s not all. We assume that others can be misled, then conveniently adopt the narratives that fit with our own experience and beliefs. That’s old news.

Objective reality? What’s that? Do you actually believe there was a moon landing?

We know the power of the crowd — the influence of suggestion, of propaganda, of mass hysteria.

What we forget is that memories and perceptions change of their own accord, independent of any direct causal event. When two or more sets of memories interact — particularly when these memories are different or opposing, and when a fear factor is present — the potential for conflict is high.

The scientific method yearns for an objective truth. A single, definitive answer. We want our heroes and villains. We want to know what actually happened.

Come on, storyteller…

Who is at fault? Who really left the gas on?

To the insurance company determining fault and cause, the answer matters. They are the money people. The bag holders. They need forensic evidence in order to proceed with processing the property owners’ claim. To everyone else, we just have a senseless tragedy. Who was at fault is not important. Both sides, or neither. Mistakes compounding mistakes.

The moralists just throw up their hands and walk away. Senseless violence. Hasty actions with terrible consequences. They surround us.

The optimist looks for a lesson from the story and remembers that this is a work of fiction and not an item from the local newspaper. (Although these days you never know…)

I included two symbols, placed very intentionally.

Here are the cheat codes:

 

The first symbol is the natural gas line. In this example, it represents the power of the state. Specifically, police and military power. But you could also expand this metaphor to include licensed possession of firearms — or medical and teaching licenses. Much like public utilities, these are systems that taxpayers fund and often take for granted. They lawfully grant individuals the authority to make life and death decisions. In a democracy — at least in theory — we as citizens set the rules.

The second symbol is the explosion that engulfs the building. And no, I didn’t place it there just for effect. Those flames represent violence — lives lost, and the grief of loved ones. But also risks to the first responders who arrive at the scene. As well as environmental damage and financial disaster (we will assume not all individuals in the building had renters’ insurance).

There are so many kinds of evil lurking in the world…

What I am trying to get at here is preventable evil.

This is the type of harm that occurs due to ignorance, stupidity, and sheer bad luck. It is inescapable. But with the right outlook, we can cut down on the number of incidents.

It really is still about how we treat our neighbors. What assumptions we make, and how quickly we move to act on them.

None of us are infallible. Neither the present, the future, or the past are totally within our control.

Liberating ourselves from fear doesn’t free us from the consequences of other people’s fear and stupidity.  In the short term, it can make us targets. Cultivating an attitude of patience and generosity, of awareness and forgiveness, might be a starting place. It might actually create network effects.

 

Never use an electrical generator indoors. (Source: https://www.cpsc.gov/Newsroom/News-Releases/2007/Know-Carbon-Monoxide-Dangers-Before-the-Power-Goes-Out)

Stay Warm, Stay Hydrated.

This, to the best of my knowledge, is Universal Good Advice.

Here is another piece of Universal Good Advice (UGA) from yrs truly: don’t listen too much to other people’s advice. Instead, figure things out for yourself.

To some, this directive may be threatening — in particular to lawyers and to a certain class of therapists. Historically, hackers and lawyers have a relationship that is at best glancing and at worst adversarial. Based on what do I make this generalization? Life experience.

What does it actually mean to be a hacker? Check pdxlocal.net for a few thoughts relevant to that topic. They’re in there. Along with about a million other topics relevant to me personally, and fitting what I saw as the dominant Portland ethos ’round about the last time that I lived there.

Which was some time ago. Depending how you measure time.

I helped my parents sell my apartment — a sweet condo in the fashionable but still, shall we say “edgy” neighborhood known as St. John’s — in June 2023. Anyway, that was when the deal closed. But I’ve been back to the city a fair amount since. Rented an Airbnb for a month there in May of 2024, trying to make up my mind whether to return there permanently. Finding a place to live would not have been a problem but I passed at that time, for several reasons.

The two most significant:

Severe Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI) made me feel antsy about my chances of completing the Computer Science Postbac program that would have prepared me to get a Master’s in CS. True confession: I was an English major and only took one programming course before graduating. I need an advanced degree in order to be able to teach, even at the high school level. And also because, well, you don’t know what you don’t know until it comes up and bites you in the You Know Where.

I am a rape survivor. To the best of my knowledge, the man who raped me still lives in Portland. More about that another time. Seriously, it can wait.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was what to do if you have a respiratory infection that just won’t go away. Such as COVID. Or RSV. Or whatever it is I’ve had, off and on, since the Spring of 2023.

I am still not sure but staying warm does seem to help. And we all know about drinking fluids.

Found out recently I had COVID. This was surprising to me because it seems like I’ve been tested for everything under the sun, in inpatient settings and out of them.

Was denied Paxlovid, because of a complication with another medication that I’m taking. Actually had a scheduled doctor’s appointment last Tuesday at my local primary care office to talk about my problems breathing, but he cancelled it after I showed up early in the waiting room  and told the receptionist I had COVID. I didn’t mind. There were also children in that waiting room. The advice on my electronic chart when I returned home was all too familiar. You guessed it: rest and stay hydrated.

Am still a bit concerned, especially since I’m still running a fever — more than a week after the test came back positive from the Urgent Care Center.

I may be immunocompromised due to the loss of a uterus in September 2022 (if you don’t know what fibroids are, look it up or read my account from earlier that same year). Or maybe for some other reason. I am 49 years old. I get tested regularly for STI’s/STD’s.

About those test results…

I had a strange experience last February. I was wearing an olive green monokini and sunning myself in a deck chair. The guy in the chair next to me looked me up and down and asked if I’d had breast cancer? I said no. I volunteered that I was HIV-negative. He seemed elated by this news. He volunteered that he was of Kurdish descent, and now lived in Philadelphia. He told me he worked in the building trades. I noticed he was wearing a rather unusual baseball cap — one that I have seen elsewhere. It was a flag similar to the Stars and Stripes, but grayed out. I asked if he could find me a safe house in Philadelphia. He said no, but offered to get me some of the free punch that was being served by the pool and then invited me to dinner.

All of this transpired in Miami Beach, Florida. Why I was there and not sheltering at home in the gloomy, mist-ridden Oregon Coast? Business, actually. Ironically enough, a healthcare startup. Had a cofounder in South Florida.

I did ask for a doctor’s advice — different doctor than the one at the family practice — about whether I was safe to fly, but never heard back from him. Had to leave a message at the reception desk. No idea if he even got it. I reasoned that heading some place warm and lying out in the sun was what any doctor would have done, so I made my way to the airport and never looked back.

A fateful decision, and probably not the right one.