At the break of day

Woke up this morning at dawn, coughing. I’ve had COVID for a week — first time I ever tested positive for it. Blaming it on anemia running down my immune system, and an overnight trip to Seattle that I don’t regret at all. When I woke up, this song was in my head:



Like any song, the lyrics can be interpreted in many ways. One of the ways it can be interpreted is as a song about suicide. I take my dreams and waking intuitions seriously. This one reminded me of why I didn’t originally press charges against the man who raped me.

I was afraid he might commit suicide. He had spoken about his suicidal thoughts in a conversation we had in Cathedral Park on September, September 8. I took his words seriously.

What happened between us wasn’t violent. It was simply sex without consent. It happened very quickly. I was in a relationship with somebody else at the time. It made things complicated.

When I finally went to the police in March of this year, it was because of a pattern of break-ins, hacks, network anomalies, and odd occurrences over the last two years. I didn’t know for sure who was responsible, but I had a lot of circumstantial evidence that this individual had been monitoring my online activity over multiple channels. I knew he had shared confidential information about me without my consent. I did not feel safe in my home.

I have also filed a complaint with the California State Bar about this matter, because the individual in question is a lawyer licensed in that state. I received a detailed and prompt response, rejecting my complaint because my county district attorney had not yet filed charges but inviting me to appeal and submit further documents and evidence. After much indecision and waiting, I finally did so last week.

From here I have done about all I can do, working within the system. Regardless of the outcome, I will continue to draw on my personal experience to advocate for trauma survivors everywhere.

I made the decision this morning to password-protect the link to the individual’s voice confession and the accompanying transcript. All of the content is still there. The recording was made legally in the State of Oregon and I have every right to share it in the future as I see fit. But I am choosing not to. Because leaving this information up there and crawlable by search engines does not help me in any way. It only causes harm to him.

I am afraid of this person and I think they should receive justice under the law, but  I do not want them dead. That is not part of my code of ethics. That is not who I am.

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